


cut

by astratic



Series: the emotional vulnerability zone [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Haircuts, Sibling Fluff, a lot of things change in ten years apart, lup represses shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 15:38:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17428718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astratic/pseuds/astratic
Summary: It's dumb, but little things like this are what really get to you sometimes about the ten years you spent trapped in your umbrella. It was excruciating and lonely and desperate and you've done your best to forget about it for the most part, but you keep being reminded every time you realize you've lost something mundane—and you've lost a lot.





	cut

You'd let your hair grow out in the year before you died.

What can you say, the whole thing kind of sucked. But it means when you get your body back you're in desperate need of an updated 'do.

As you tell Taako, "This haircut is _so_ ten years ago."

You hear him chuckle behind you as he's hacking away at your hair where he's pulled it into a loose ponytail. The sound of the shears brings you an odd sort of glee. 

You feel the weight of the excess length fall away and put your hands to your head, reveling in the newly shorn feeling of the crude chop.

"I'm not quite done yet, Lup. Sit tight."

"I know, it just feels so good," you sigh, tugging on the ends of your hair and relishing even the small sting that goes through your scalp—you haven't felt things in a while. It's novel. You drop your hands and let him get to snipping. 

He hums as he works and you think about how many hundreds of times the two of you have done this. Taako has been cutting your hair since he was old enough to figure out how. You have never let anyone else do it—with the exception of Barry, once, and he did a terrible job. (You didn't mind, but Taako didn't speak to either of you for a week.

"Want me to do you next?" You ask, and he stills for a moment behind you.

"I—" he sounds a little confused, "I think I like it this way actually. I kind of just realized I haven't really cut my hair in ten years. Because you weren't there to do it."

You feel a weird mix of affection and sadness and hurt. You aren't sure what to say.

He continues after a moment, sensing your dismay, "I mean, I could go for a trim! That's all I ever do anymore—kinda dig the Rapunzel look I've got over here." He goes back to snipping, but you're both tense. 

It's dumb, but little things like this are what really get to you sometimes about the ten years you spent trapped in your umbrella. It was excruciating and lonely and desperate and you've done your best to forget about it for the most part, but you keep being reminded every time you realize you've lost something mundane—and you've lost a lot. 

You feel tears pricking at your eyes and get really angry, suddenly. Mostly at yourself, a little at Lucretia. A little, most regrettably, at Taako. You've been doing your best to conceal the deep well of hurt in you because you know he's hurting too, and some part of you that has always felt responsible for him needs to be okay. You can't both break down, you think, and as much as Taako puts on a show of apathy, he's always been the sensitive one. You've never resented him for it… until now. 

He knows immediately something is wrong, though. The two of you don't have telepathy, but you might as well in times like this. 

"Hey—hey!" He crouches down in front of you and looks panicked. It's probably only because it's you that he hasn't sprinted away already. "Lup, it doesn't… it doesn't matter. I'm sorry? You can cut my hair if you want; you don't have to—"

"No, it—it's fine," your voice hitches on a sob and you grit your teeth, trying to will your mutinous tears back into their ducts. Taako is kind of awkwardly fluttering his hands in front of you, wanting to comfort but unsure how. You sigh and pull him into an embrace. 

His uncertainty at the sight of your tears hurts too—another reminder of the ten years you spent apart, of how it changed the both of you, forced a distance between you. He relaxes in your arms though, turning to press a kiss to your cheek. 

"It's so overwhelming," you whisper, "thinking of how far I've been from you for so long, and what it's done to us. And in a lot of ways you adjusted to it without even knowing, stopped needing me, but I never did. I never stopped missing you, and it feels like it burned a hole in me that hasn't even started healing." you succumb to pitiful little sobs then and cling to him tighter. Several moments pass before you can continue.

"I forgave Lucretia because she only did what she thought she had to; she did her best by all of you, but I still have so much hurt and anger in me and I don't have anywhere to direct it, and you—I've been trying so hard to keep it together for you, Taako, because I know how hard you're taking all of it, but it feels like it's eating me. I'm sorry."

Taako leans back to look at you then, frowning at your half finished haircut, and then bites his lip, "I really am an idiot, huh. Here you were, like, repressing all this shit and I didn't even notice. I mean, yeah. I'm...struggling. But that's no excuse." His eyes start looking suspiciously wet, and you panic a little.

"God, please don't also cry when I'm crying; I can't handle that—" you plead as he wipes furiously at his eyes.

"Don't tell me what to do," he sobs into his sleeve, and then you're not sure if you're laughing or crying; you think probably maybe it's both things, actually, and Taako clings to you again and you're both laugh-crying, and suddenly it feels like the tide's turned back a little. The hole in your chest stops growing, starts feeling a little more like something you can manage.

Once you've both quieted somewhat, he says, "Lup… you don't have to tough it out for me. You don't have to pretend you're not hurting just because I am. That's like, so dumb. I'm not a baby. I'm not even younger than you, so like what's your deal even."

You sniff and bite your lip, "I've always felt like I had to protect you. Watching you from inside the umbrastaff, mostly powerless to help when you were in danger, I was overwhelmed by that feeling. I was so desperate. I wanted to reach you so badly, and I couldn't. I couldn't even tell you I was there."

He snorts and reaches up to brush a stray tear from your cheek, "Suffering in silence is bogus as hell, and you've done a lifetime's worth of it already. If you can't be real in front of me, then who? Barold?" He looks like he's about to make a joke and then thinks about how Barry has been lately—off-balance, for lack of a better word—Taako clears his throat as you frown, "Barry's got his own ocean of shit to work through. If you're not gonna open up to anyone who's also hurting, you never will."

You slump against his shoulder, feeling suddenly exhausted. He pats your back, "Baby steps."

You grunt into his shirt.

"How about we finish the job here, and then we'll go make hot chocolate?" 

"Gingersnaps."

"Hot chocolate and gingersnaps."

You sit up straight and look at him, "Thanks, Taako."

He smiles sagely and stands, "Now, how did you want your bangs again?"

**Author's Note:**

> this is a companion piece to [idiot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13752885) that i wrote around the same time but never posted! i feel like i really should have, because it adds some closure and relief that the other needed.


End file.
